An open letter to my anxiety…of all the things it’s done.

Anxiety, we are breaking up.

I’d love to be able to say it is not you, it is me. But no, it isn’t me…it is you. It is you all over it. I am tired of you owning every decision, every moment, every response, and every thought. I am tired of the fear you feed me and the actions you hold me back from.

It has been a long relationship. Almost 28 years…that is 336 months…over 10,000 days…that you, anxiety, have been the other half of my life…and you know what? I am done with you, anxiety.

It is a relationship I’ve felt shameful of…afraid of…confused by… You’ve told me I am not good enough, that I will never be good enough. You’ve told me to be afraid of opportunities. You’ve made me run away from things that could have been good for me. But, no, you made me scared, you made me feel ashamed.

You’ve taken me emotionally, mentally, physically. You’ve made me cry, you’ve made me weep. You took all that I am and threw a little bit more away each day. You’ve told me that I should be too careful, that I should react, that I won’t ever be happy, worthy enough, strong enough.

They tell me all that you want to do is protect me, but you’ve gone too far. Maybe it isn’t all your fault. They say maybe social media gives me the comparisons that make me scared of what I am not achieving…society gives us high expectations  to feel let down that I am never going to make it… the world of commercialism gives me the place to feel as though I am less than. Maybe it’s just me…maybe they were right and my brain was always just broken.

But it is you, anxiety, that has let it.

And, you know what? I am done. I am finished with feeling nervous and scared of what is to come, with thinking that I am not doing enough, thinking that I have to wait until the next milestone to “finally be happy”. You’ve pushed me down, you’ve taught me the wrong way of living, you’ve made me so afraid that I didn’t want to be here anymore.

Two years ago, you left me dishevelled, confined to where I was. Too afraid to leave, too afraid to stay.  You left me so afraid that I didn’t see a way of coming back. I felt worthless. I felt unaware. I felt terrified. I felt like I had lost my mind. But, I hadn’t. It was you all along, anxiety.

And I am sorry, but it is time to say goodbye. It is time to take my life back. It is time to see past the fear and see what can be possible. It is time to see past the negative that you share with me every day and start to see the positive. It is time for us to let go. It is time for all of us to take our lives back.

Sorry, anxiety, we will see you on the other side.

________________________________________________________________________________________

Recover Together Now is a platform to explore the role that anxiety has in our lives and how we can, together, overcome it. The author, Camille, has lived with anxiety her whole life and, in 2017, was diagnosed with severe generalised anxiety which has consumed her life since. Camille writes her experiences with the journey and focuses each month on a new aspect of recovery for others to share and learn from.

 

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