Generalised Anxiety Disorder. GENERALISED ANXIETY DISORDER. Such a loaded bunch of three words for me.
Those words were uttered to me in a psychiatrist’s office back in August 2017. Those words meant so much to me, more than I could have known at the time.
Diagnoses are a funny thing. For some people, they are really useful. It provides them with a way of describing their quirks, their emotions, and their ways of thinking. But diagnoses can also be really dangerous. They label you. They make you feel that those words are something that defines you. They corner you into being something that perhaps you weren’t ever all along.
For me, that diagnosis played a long-winded road. It provided me with a way of getting better. It provided me with a reason for why I was so mentally unwell. But, equally, it provided me an excuse. An excuse to not try and be anything else but the emotionally-wired, anxiety-driven human that I was.
My mind still plays games on me, and instead of using these days as an opportunity to change, I’ve used them as a way of getting out of stuff, as a way of excusing myself from trying.
To you, as someone who may never have experienced mental illness before, that may be a bit of an odd confession to make. But, for someone with severe anxiety, the reason I don’t try as hard as I can to manage my emotions better comes down to the very fear that I don’t know how to.
It has been the past few months that have taught me a lot about this of myself. Something in my life triggered a high volume of emotions and, in that, a hell of a lot of anxiety. The me that I thought of was capable of disappeared within the overwhelming wave of who I’ve always been – an emotional, highly-strung person.
I am sick of this diagnosis though. I am tired of being who I am, and I am tired of how my mind words. Quite frankly, I AM TIRED OF BEING ANXIOUS.
I’ve reached my wits end with my own diagnosis. So, today, I stand up to it. I am not longer the story that involves a diagnosis of generalised anxiety disorder. I am bloody better than that.
For anyone out there who is tired of being anxious, join me in not being afraid anymore.
Over and out,
Camille, your fellow anxious comrade.
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